Where Have I Been....

Hey Misfits,

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? Life has a way of pulling us in unexpected directions on this journey. Sometimes the noise gets so loud that you need to pause, find ways to quiet it, and just be still. I’ve been quiet, and I want to share why. This isn’t an apology—it’s an invitation. Let’s sit together, pour several cups of tea from this pot of tea that I made, and reflect on the twists and turns of this journey.

The Season of Stillness

By the way, I hope this pot of green tea is okay. Honestly, I’ve been navigating some heavy challenges. This season has been filled with health struggles, emotional lows, near-death experiences, spiritual attacks, and moments of deep self-reflection. I found myself needing to just… be. To sit and be still.

My cup was cracked—deeply—and pieces had fallen off. Sometimes, it’s hard to put those feelings into words. Sometimes, it’s too raw to share right away. My battles have been both physical and mental. Grief resurfaced as death anniversaries rolled around. Unresolved emotions bubbled up. And I found myself asking: Who am I in the midst of all of this?

It’s been messy. It’s been hard. There were nights I cried myself to sleep and days filled with doubt and uncertainty. But through it all, there were glimmers of growth, healing, and learning to trust God in ways I never had before.

Lessons From the Silence

I’m learning that it’s okay to not be okay. But even though it’s okay to feel that way, it’s not okay to stay there. I’ve realized it’s okay to be still, to not know what the future holds, and to let go of control. Trusting God looks crazy to others, but I’m holding on to His plan, knowing that even if parts of it change, nothing I’ve experienced has been in vain.

During this time, I stepped back and reassessed everything. I needed to exist without the pressure of what things looked like from the outside. My path doesn’t look like anyone else’s—and that’s okay. It’s chaotic. It’s unpredictable. And it’s mine.

This season has taught me the importance of grace. Not just grace for others, but grace for myself. I’ve always been quick to give grace—well, to some people. If someone didn’t listen to my advice or seemed stuck in their problems, my instinct was to walk away. That’s not love. That’s not grace. That’s something toxic I picked up from years of toxic relationships.

But I’m learning. I’m learning to unlearn those habits, to stop seeking validation from others, and to let go of comparisons. I noticed how people celebrated others online and questioned myself: Am I toxic? Am I inconsistent? Is my energy off?

I began to isolate myself. Am I envious? Am I jealous? I questioned myself in so many ways, especially when I saw relationships forming online that I didn’t have. No matter what anyone said to make me feel included, I saw the difference. I saw how others received genuine reactions and connections in spaces I also occupied. People even told me they avoided me because I “saw too much.” That hurt. I thought, If I’m your friend, why are you scared of me?

So, I sat with those feelings. I sat in the stillness and worked on what was within me. I realized that maybe I was changing into someone that I didn’t recognize. I was letting unnecessary trash and corrupt evil seeds take root in my life’s garden.

Sacred Silence

In the silence, I found something sacred. It became the space where I could talk to the Lord, where I could hear His voice. God reminded me to trust Him, to acknowledge Him, and that I was never alone.

I started tending to my life’s garden, pulling out weeds and tossing the trash. In those moments, things were revealed—not just about myself, but about my circumstances.

What’s Next?

There’s so much to share: the envy and jealousy, the death anniversaries, the near-death experiences, the healing. There isn’t enough time to cover it all now, but I’m ready to share more.

I’ll be writing more entries here, recording more podcast episodes, and diving deeper into the things that make us human—the messy, beautiful, and real things. This space is for anyone who feels like they don’t belong. A place where you feel seen and heard. Where these words on a screen resonate because you’ve been there, or you’re there now.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for your patience and for understanding my silence. You mean more to me than I can say. The kettle is on, the mugs are ready, and we have so many stories to share.

What’s been on your heart, Misfits? Let’s talk.

Royale Oliver